2nd Angelversary

Today we have reached the 2nd year since we lost you Francis.   The pain is still here and my heart aches when I think of you and the should of beens and the what ifs.  The saddness has weighed heavy this week, everything comes back like it was yesterday and the pain becomes so fresh to the surface again.  We are so grateful that we have been blessed with your new sister Samantha, she looks so much like you especially when she sleeps it catches me off guard.  At first I was shocked by it and wasn’t expecting her to look like you, but now I treasure those moments I see you in her and I smile and take it as a gift from you.  I know that I haven’t written and I have had moments where I have wanted and needed to like when out of nowhere I can smell you, like the time you placed a rainbow near our house the day we brought Samantha home and the magnificent rainbow that spread wide through out the sky and followed me home.  Alex and Gavin were so excited seeing it and we captured a picture of Alex under it.  Alex also draws pictures almost daily of rainbows.  Even though you are not with us physically, you are just as much a part of our lives as we are here remembering and loving you.  I miss you….Love Mommy

January 16, 2009

Happy Angelversary my sweet baby Francis.   We survived the first year,  I guess if we can do that we can do anything.  I am so grateful for the gift of the new life inside of me making this week a tiny bit easier.  This past year has had so many emotions in it and the grief that we have felt is so unlike any grief I have ever felt before.  Noone should feel this pain, its heart wrenching.  Today you would have been 1.  Every parent is so excited about that first birthday, today I just ask for peace and the comfort to be with family and friends.  Today I know my rainbow baby will be with me.  I will be thinking of you and thinking of the 9 months of joy that you brought to me.  I thank you so much for that short time, I wouldn’t give that time up for anything.  Our family has changed because of you, with so much love and strength we owe so much to you.  We have found friends all across the country that care about us.  Our local friends have become our family and we are bound together because of you.  The rainbow that we saw a week after you past kept us going and has brought so much meaning in our lives.  There is not a day that goes by that your sister doesn’t talk about rainbows.  You are with us baby every second of every day.  I love you so much baby, many kisses and hugs are sent up to you today.

January 12, 2009

I have been waiting for it and it has come, the overwhelming sadness.  It has been so easy to be happy this month I was starting to think that i just may be ok this week.  I can barely see throuh my tears and I have to stop typing every few seconds because I haven’t cried this hard in such a long time.  As I was knitting a blanket to bring to the local hospital in your name and I’m almost finished the pain was just rising and rising and needed to write you.  To live life without is so cruel and the pain can be so fresh and unbearable.  I feel like I made it this far being on auto pilot, I had to survive for your brother and sister.  I love you baby, I’m sure I’ll have many moments like this this week and I’ll be back.

January 2, 2009

Happy New Years my baby boy.  Mommy has been smiling for the first time a genuine smile in a very long time.  We found out yesterday morning that we were pregnant.  It makes me think of you and how I remember finding out I was pregnant with you.  I have a feeling I’ll be imagining this baby to look like you.  Of course it probably will look like you since you looked so much like your brother and sister.  I will cherish every moment of this pregnant even the parts that are tough.  I’m so grateful that we are pregnant, I will be thinking of you with me every step of the way.  This will be such a hard month for us, this will make it a little easier to get throuh, we have found a New Hope…

December 26, 2008

Merry Christmas my rainbow baby. Mommy has been thinking so much about you, the love I have for you is so strong. You have a piece of me with you forever. I have been feeling rather numb this week, as a family we have been sticking tight to each other and hanging out a lot. I wish that you were here with us, your sister was quite sad today. We all miss you and feel so alone at times

We love you baby, kisses and tons of hugs
Mommy

December 18, 2008

Francis,

Hi sweet baby, this Christmas season has been so different than any other Christmas has been for us.  We are trying so hard to still give the season to your brother & sister, but there is so much sadness in us its hard to get through the day.  This time last year I was making so many plans, I was getting ready to meet you.  We joked on how crazy Christmas was going to be this year with a baby learning to walk and our tree was doomed.  We are missing you so much, even though the emptiness is not as strong it is still there very heavy.  We sponsored a little baby girl this year in your memory.  This has helped us and it was such a nice feeling to give to a small child that wouldn’t of had gifts this Christmas without us.

Mommy loves you and we think about you all the time.  I love you my Francis…

November 27, 2008

My dearest Francis,

Happy Thanksgiving baby, mommy is very thankful for the 9 months I had with you.  I remember your kicks of love and feeling you grow inside of me.  I hope you felt the warmth and the love from me that I felt for you always.  I miss you.

Love Mommy

November 24, 2008

Hi baby, boy life is tough right now.  The holidays are approaching fast, every Christmas light I see I think of you.  Last Christmas I was on my last stretch of pregnancy.  We were counting down the days until you would be joining us.  I remember wondering how empty my tree was going to be with a 1 yr old pulling on the tree.  I saved the pine cones from last year to decorate with since they are inbreakable.  How do I celebrate this year with so much emptiness??  I have days where I think I just can’t make it through this pain has been the most I felt since January 16, 2008.  I have to find the strength to get through this for your brother & sister and I just want to get in bed and let the days go by.

I know we will make it and I know there will actually be happy days, I just need to make it past this Christmas and this January and it all starts this week with Thanksgiving.  I miss you baby, mommy loves you so much..

November 2, 2008

Dear Francis,

I cry tonight

I cry for you, me and the small part of emptiness that will always be with me

I miss you so much and looking at your sweet face makes me so sad yet I smile through my tears to look at you. You like my other children make who I am today, you are a part of me.

I love you angel

Love, Mommy

October 14, 2008

Francis,

You have been in my mind so much this week, your pressence has been so strong.  I am looking for your strength baby.  I love you and miss you.  Thinking of you constantly and remembering your beauty.

Love Mommy