January 16, 2009

Happy Angelversary my sweet baby Francis.   We survived the first year,  I guess if we can do that we can do anything.  I am so grateful for the gift of the new life inside of me making this week a tiny bit easier.  This past year has had so many emotions in it and the grief that we have felt is so unlike any grief I have ever felt before.  Noone should feel this pain, its heart wrenching.  Today you would have been 1.  Every parent is so excited about that first birthday, today I just ask for peace and the comfort to be with family and friends.  Today I know my rainbow baby will be with me.  I will be thinking of you and thinking of the 9 months of joy that you brought to me.  I thank you so much for that short time, I wouldn’t give that time up for anything.  Our family has changed because of you, with so much love and strength we owe so much to you.  We have found friends all across the country that care about us.  Our local friends have become our family and we are bound together because of you.  The rainbow that we saw a week after you past kept us going and has brought so much meaning in our lives.  There is not a day that goes by that your sister doesn’t talk about rainbows.  You are with us baby every second of every day.  I love you so much baby, many kisses and hugs are sent up to you today.

January 12, 2009

I have been waiting for it and it has come, the overwhelming sadness.  It has been so easy to be happy this month I was starting to think that i just may be ok this week.  I can barely see throuh my tears and I have to stop typing every few seconds because I haven’t cried this hard in such a long time.  As I was knitting a blanket to bring to the local hospital in your name and I’m almost finished the pain was just rising and rising and needed to write you.  To live life without is so cruel and the pain can be so fresh and unbearable.  I feel like I made it this far being on auto pilot, I had to survive for your brother and sister.  I love you baby, I’m sure I’ll have many moments like this this week and I’ll be back.

January 2, 2009

Happy New Years my baby boy.  Mommy has been smiling for the first time a genuine smile in a very long time.  We found out yesterday morning that we were pregnant.  It makes me think of you and how I remember finding out I was pregnant with you.  I have a feeling I’ll be imagining this baby to look like you.  Of course it probably will look like you since you looked so much like your brother and sister.  I will cherish every moment of this pregnant even the parts that are tough.  I’m so grateful that we are pregnant, I will be thinking of you with me every step of the way.  This will be such a hard month for us, this will make it a little easier to get throuh, we have found a New Hope…

December 26, 2008

Merry Christmas my rainbow baby. Mommy has been thinking so much about you, the love I have for you is so strong. You have a piece of me with you forever. I have been feeling rather numb this week, as a family we have been sticking tight to each other and hanging out a lot. I wish that you were here with us, your sister was quite sad today. We all miss you and feel so alone at times

We love you baby, kisses and tons of hugs
Mommy

December 18, 2008

Francis,

Hi sweet baby, this Christmas season has been so different than any other Christmas has been for us.  We are trying so hard to still give the season to your brother & sister, but there is so much sadness in us its hard to get through the day.  This time last year I was making so many plans, I was getting ready to meet you.  We joked on how crazy Christmas was going to be this year with a baby learning to walk and our tree was doomed.  We are missing you so much, even though the emptiness is not as strong it is still there very heavy.  We sponsored a little baby girl this year in your memory.  This has helped us and it was such a nice feeling to give to a small child that wouldn’t of had gifts this Christmas without us.

Mommy loves you and we think about you all the time.  I love you my Francis…

November 27, 2008

My dearest Francis,

Happy Thanksgiving baby, mommy is very thankful for the 9 months I had with you.  I remember your kicks of love and feeling you grow inside of me.  I hope you felt the warmth and the love from me that I felt for you always.  I miss you.

Love Mommy

November 24, 2008

Hi baby, boy life is tough right now.  The holidays are approaching fast, every Christmas light I see I think of you.  Last Christmas I was on my last stretch of pregnancy.  We were counting down the days until you would be joining us.  I remember wondering how empty my tree was going to be with a 1 yr old pulling on the tree.  I saved the pine cones from last year to decorate with since they are inbreakable.  How do I celebrate this year with so much emptiness??  I have days where I think I just can’t make it through this pain has been the most I felt since January 16, 2008.  I have to find the strength to get through this for your brother & sister and I just want to get in bed and let the days go by.

I know we will make it and I know there will actually be happy days, I just need to make it past this Christmas and this January and it all starts this week with Thanksgiving.  I miss you baby, mommy loves you so much..

November 2, 2008

Dear Francis,

I cry tonight

I cry for you, me and the small part of emptiness that will always be with me

I miss you so much and looking at your sweet face makes me so sad yet I smile through my tears to look at you. You like my other children make who I am today, you are a part of me.

I love you angel

Love, Mommy

October 14, 2008

Francis,

You have been in my mind so much this week, your pressence has been so strong.  I am looking for your strength baby.  I love you and miss you.  Thinking of you constantly and remembering your beauty.

Love Mommy

September 18, 2008

It seems like so long since I’ve written.  I don’t write as much now because it seems that I would only be writing the same over and over again.  Its been 8 months now, 8 months that I thought would be filled with new milestones, new beginnings and new challenges.  I did get some good news last week I guess.  There was a slight chance that I could of had a bacteria in my body that may have been an answer to why Francis died.  I had delayed the test because emotionally I was not and could not deal if the answer was yes.  The bacteria does not go away without antibiotics so if I had it I would still have it.  The result came back negative and while I can let go of some of the guilt that I have been dealing with for 8 months it would have given me an answer to why my son died.  It also doesn’t release all of the guilt because I still feel that my body failed him and I did not protect my child the way I am supposed to.  I have been told not to feel this way, I have been told “oh there was probably something wrong and he wouldn’t of survived on the outside”, but no matter I will always harbor the feelings of what ifs and like I failed him.  How could I not?

Francis, I know you are doing well.  I know that your great grandparents are not letting you out of their sight.  You will always be surrounded with love and the symbol of colors.  I love you my angel son your presence is with us always.