Francis, you would have been 5 this year. I have been putting off this writing because its just so damn hard even after 5 years. I’m hoping that 5 years can make the milestone where we start to laugh again genuinely. Alex asked me today if I could have one wish what would it be and there is only one answer, I want you back with me. I love you so much and I know you would be a little version of your father. You would have such a best friend in Gavin, he is the best big brother and I’m sure you would be driving your sisters crazy whenever you can. Another year of “what ifs”, another year of wonder, and yet another year of grief and healing. Happy Birthday Love, I miss you…
You would think that with each year these posts would get easier. Yes true I don’t stand in my shower for hours crying out more than what is coming out of the shower head nor do I fall to pieces randomly through the day where it takes so much time to recover from I forgot what I was doing in the first place. This time isn’t easier. I still look around my house and see you playing and hearing the laughing and the mischief that you should be in. Would you like pirates like Gavin? All the “what ifs” and the “should bes” that haunt. We had another loss this past October, miscarriage at 10 weeks. We named your brother/sister Vega after the 5th brightest star in the sky. We caught a glimpse at a quick rainbow that week, nice to see that.
Mommy is sending you all of my love. I’m fighting for strength.
Happy Birthday Francis
Through a friend I found a website where you can do a memorial for your child by writing their name in the sand at Twilight or Sunset. We chose Twilight and had one made for Francis. Turned out very beautiful and I cannot wait to have the picture framed and on my wall. We love you baby boy, you are always with us.
I went to start a homeschool blog and pulled up a blog that I had started, but never used. I went and found one entry, it was an entry I wrote during the first weeks of Francis’s life, I need a place to put it so I’m going to put it here. Such dreams and hopes at the time this was written. I love you Francis
THURSDAY, JUNE 21, 2007
We went to our 9 week visit this week for our 3rd addition of our family. Baby Lima is doing well, we saw him/her in an U/S and heard the heartbeat. With all the talk of twins recently we were quite pleased to only see one bean in the picture. The baby is growing strong and everything looked perfect.
Today is the day I birthed you my Francis, 3 yrs ago I went into labor and could not wait to meet you. You were beautiful and peaceful and I wish I could see you grow into a man. We talk about you all the time and I want you to know that you are so much a part of our family. We love you and miss you terribly and that will never change. I wish you here with me, I think I have said that phrase more than any phrase I’ve ever thought before. I want you here, I love you…you have a part of mommy’s heart.
I miss you baby…
Today we have reached the 2nd year since we lost you Francis. The pain is still here and my heart aches when I think of you and the should of beens and the what ifs. The saddness has weighed heavy this week, everything comes back like it was yesterday and the pain becomes so fresh to the surface again. We are so grateful that we have been blessed with your new sister Samantha, she looks so much like you especially when she sleeps it catches me off guard. At first I was shocked by it and wasn’t expecting her to look like you, but now I treasure those moments I see you in her and I smile and take it as a gift from you. I know that I haven’t written and I have had moments where I have wanted and needed to like when out of nowhere I can smell you, like the time you placed a rainbow near our house the day we brought Samantha home and the magnificent rainbow that spread wide through out the sky and followed me home. Alex and Gavin were so excited seeing it and we captured a picture of Alex under it. Alex also draws pictures almost daily of rainbows. Even though you are not with us physically, you are just as much a part of our lives as we are here remembering and loving you. I miss you….Love Mommy
Happy Angelversary my sweet baby Francis. We survived the first year, I guess if we can do that we can do anything. I am so grateful for the gift of the new life inside of me making this week a tiny bit easier. This past year has had so many emotions in it and the grief that we have felt is so unlike any grief I have ever felt before. Noone should feel this pain, its heart wrenching. Today you would have been 1. Every parent is so excited about that first birthday, today I just ask for peace and the comfort to be with family and friends. Today I know my rainbow baby will be with me. I will be thinking of you and thinking of the 9 months of joy that you brought to me. I thank you so much for that short time, I wouldn’t give that time up for anything. Our family has changed because of you, with so much love and strength we owe so much to you. We have found friends all across the country that care about us. Our local friends have become our family and we are bound together because of you. The rainbow that we saw a week after you past kept us going and has brought so much meaning in our lives. There is not a day that goes by that your sister doesn’t talk about rainbows. You are with us baby every second of every day. I love you so much baby, many kisses and hugs are sent up to you today.